THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1997, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Friday, February 7, 1997 TAG: 9702060143
SECTION: VIRGINIA BEACH BEACON PAGE: 03 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY SUSAN W. SMITH, STAFF WRITER
LENGTH: 69 lines
AS PART OF their daily routine, Clare and John Tonry wade through other people's difficulties. They listen to marriage woes, prod brooding teens to talk, sort out the concerns of blended families and sift through family crises.
The Tonrys' gray-haired presence adds a calming effect as people from all over Hampton Roads often reveal their deepest feelings, emotions and problems. And after they've listened and questioned, the Tonrys go to work. As licensed professional counselors, they try to pick up the pieces, offer advice and suggest ways to have a happier or a better life.
``There are no magic tricks,'' John said. ``Many times, it's just teaching and sharing to learn to express courtesy and respect for others involved.''
With 28 years of togetherness, and as many years of counseling experience, the husband and wife provide marriage and family enrichment advice for Catholic Charities of Hampton Roads, an agency that has served people of all faiths for more than 65 years.
The agency, funded by the United Way, provides counseling, family life services and child welfare assistance, which includes foster care and adoptions. There is also a 24-hour hotline, 484-0703, for crisis situations.
Before life with Catholic Charities, John was a history and foreign language teacher in New York. He later became a counselor, and Clare, a biologist, traded her laboratory work for a graduate degree in counseling.
In 1978, John moved from New York for a position with Catholic Charities. Clare soon followed, and they settled in Portsmouth. Now each morning, John heads to the Virginia Beach office, Clare to the Chesapeake office.
Besides marriage and family counseling, John offers premarital counseling, and Clare works with Project Rachel, a program for post-abortion counseling. Also, the Tonrys are trained to work with people who have experienced severe emotional trauma.
Throughout the years, they've heard almost every personal and family experience imaginable. But one of John's latest concerns is the abandonment of elderly parents by their adult children.
``I'm hearing about more elderly parents on a limited income who never receive visits, calls, or even cards from their adult children,'' John said. ``And many times, the children are well-to-do professionals.''
He plans to offer a support group and counseling services for the elderly in the spring.
John said a good relationship is like a comfortable shoe, but sometimes a pebble, like a little problem, becomes aggravating. He said a healthy person would remove the pebble to solve the problem. But some people don't stop until there's an infected blister or a poison to the relationship.
Recently, they shared their formula for a healthy and satisfying relationship at a Marriage Enrichment Day program at Naval Security Group Activity Northwest in Chesapeake. Their advice was high affirmation and low criticism make good friends and a good marriage. And it's not the number of conflicts, but how the conflicts are handled.
The Tonrys admit they don't have a perfect marriage.
``But we have a very healthy one,'' Clare said. ``We have our ups and downs and differences of opinion. But we have learned and practiced ways to express ourselves so we don't get confrontational.''
They practice what they teach. Although its almost 9 p.m. when the couple arrive home each day, they always take about 15 minutes to review their day and to discuss any concerns.
``Then we leave it alone,'' John said. ``We don't dwell on things, and we only deal with the immediate problems. No fair bringing up incidences from the past.'' ILLUSTRATION: Staff photo by MORT FRYMAN
``There are no magic tricks,'' John Tonry says of his and Clare's
counseling services.