DATE: Monday, March 3, 1997                 TAG: 9703010063

SECTION: DAILY BREAK             PAGE: E1   EDITION: FINAL 

TYPE: Column 

SOURCE: Larry Maddry 

                                            LENGTH:   85 lines

WIN-A-PUB CONTEST SETS OFF DREAMS OF IRISH GETAWAY

I'D REALLY APPRECIATE your not entering the Guinness ``Win Your Own Pub In Ireland Contest.''

I guess I have to tell you about it, because I promised the Guinness people I would.

But I'd really appreciate it if most of you laid off this one and entered the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes or the James Joyce lookalike contest instead.

Truth is, I have always wanted to own my own pub in Ireland. And I know that once I've won it and settled in over there, I'll be as happy as a pig in a ditch.

While the rest of you are over here punching a clock from 9 'til 5, I'll be behind the bar as the Irish customers with twinkles in their eyes and holes in their sweaters sip their suds and tell witty stories. I'll be listening with a song in my heart and their money in my till.

It'll make me the happiest man in creation. There will not have been such a happy blending of a person and his surroundings since Dennis Rodman jumped to the Bulls.

The establishment I was born to own is named Morrissey's Pub in Cahir (pronounced Care), County Tipperary, Ireland. As luck would have it, my mither's middle name was Morrison, yah know. And that's pretty close.

I learned about the contest yesterday and have already submitted my pub-winning entry.

Here's the press release that told me about it, mailed by the Guinness Import Co.

The chance to quit your job, move to a new land and embrace a new lifestyle awaits U.S. residents - 21 and older - who enter the Guinness 1997 ``Win Your Own Pub in Ireland'' contest. . .

Would-be publicans are asked to capture what goes through their mind as they anticipate the first sip of a pint by completing the phrase, ``As the cool, creamy head of a pint of Guinness settles. . . '' in 50 words or less. Top ten essayists will be selected as finalists to travel to Ireland this May, courtesy of Aer Lingus, to compete for the grand prize: a new job as owner and publican of Morrissey's Pub.

Like I said, I just stamped my entry and dropped it in the box. I mailed it to: Guinness Contest, Guinness Import Co., Bowling Green Station, P.O. Box 71, New York, NY 10275-0632.

Since penning my winning entry I have been staring at the photo of Morrissey's Pub and wondering if there is enough living room upstairs for a pet pig, myself and the coy-but-beautiful Irish barmaid with flashing eyes. She will play music to me on an Irish harp during those times when I lay in my room exhausted from counting all the money in the cash register.

And some other questions have come to mind.

What's behind the pub? Is there a stream behind it that can be fished from a line tossed through an upstairs window?

Do the walls shake and the pipes rumble whenever a john is flushed anywhere in the building? Irish pubs tend to be that way.

Is there a resident cat or do you have to bring your own?

Has the plaster cracked and webbed around the dartboard?

Knowing that I'd be winning the contest, it seemed logical to look into these matters before I got to Ireland and claimed my prize.

I reached Jeanne McIntyre, a spokeswoman for the Guinness Import Co. in New York. She didn't have the answers to my questions about fishing, the cat, etc. But she said Guinness has already made sure the site is in first-class working order.

Jeanne said Guinness - which produces the best-selling stout in the United States and worldwide - has been brewing since 1759 at St. James's Gate Brewery in Dublin, Ireland.

``We know pubs,'' she said.

I told her that was good to know because I might need a little help getting started once I'd won Morrissey's.

I'm so sure of winning I'm not afraid to share the beginning of my entry with you.

It goes: ``As the cool, creamy head of a pint of Guinness settles like a marsh muffin in a lagoon . . .

Now that little beauty will be the short way to Tipperary, trust me. See how pointless it is for you to enter?

Well, if you insist, remember all entries must be received by March 31. You can get an entry form at any place where Guinness and Harp lager are sold. Or, mail it in on an 8 1/2-by-11-inch sheet of paper. ILLUSTRATION: Color photo by Guinness Import Co.

The winner of the Guinness contest will become the new owner of

Morrissey's Pub in County Tipperary, Ireland. KEYWORDS: CONTEST IRISH PUB

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