DATE: Sunday, March 9, 1997                 TAG: 9703070098

SECTION: DAILY BREAK             PAGE: E1   EDITION: FINAL 

SOURCE: BY LON WAGNER, STAFF WRITER 

                                            LENGTH:   61 lines

C'MON, PORKERS, LET'S SCARF OUR WAY TO NUMBER ONE IN NEXT YEAR'S OBESITY RANKING

IT'S NOT OFTEN that a city gets a chance like this. A chance to have its name tossed around in water-cooler chats from New York to Miami to L.A.

A shot at being No. 1.

Or more appropriately, The Big Cheese.

So, Norfolk, it's time to step up to the plate.

Norfolk last week was ranked No. 2 for the obesity of its residents in a study of 33 cities. No shame in that. Avis was No. 2 in car rentals and ran commercials about it: ``We try harder.''

We should put this city on the map by waddling to No. 1 right away.

For inspiration, maybe we could do a take-off on Avis. ``Norfolk: We fry lardier.''

All this could lead to a distinctive nickname. All good cities have nicknames. New York is ``The Big Apple.'' Philadelphia is ``The City of Brotherly Love.'' Chicago is ``The City of Big Shoulders.''

Norfolk could be ``Fat City,'' or maybe ``The City of Big Buttocks.''

Now that would put us on the map.

Unfortunately, any effort to bulk up cannot succeed without some regional cooperation.

The Coalition for Excess Weight Risk Education, the Washington group that did the study, used ``Norfolk'' as shorthand for the area from Currituck County, N.C., to Gloucester County.

So the effort to out-scarf No. 1 New Orleans must become a unifying force for the region. Every city and town will have to come to the table. If Virginia Beach encouraged its residents to go on a fitness binge, the effort would crumble.

The push to beef up will require efforts on several fronts. Pay attention, you fitness enthusiasts and underweight types. The Limbaugh-esque among us got us this far, but from here on out, everybody is going to have to pull his own weight.

First, with spring coming up, there will be a natural inclination to get out and enjoy the weather, maybe go running, biking or Rollerblading. Resist the urge.

If you're truly a sports enthusiast, watch TV. The NCAA basketball tournament is right around the corner. That leads nicely to NBA and NHL playoffs that extend into June. Buy a couple of Price Club-size tubs of pork rinds, and settle in.

Second, watch that diet. If you use milk in your coffee, upgrade to half-and-half. If you already use that, go with whipping cream or Crisco.

And none of this Smithfield Lean Generation pork. You can still patronize Norfolk's own Smithfield Foods, but stick with the tried-and-true: Gwaltney or Valleydale bacon and weenies, or maybe a ham glazed with brown sugar.

Third, if you smoke, quit. We're going to have enough health problems around here with this overweight population, so quitting smoking will minimize the risk. Plus, there's always the chance that you've maintained an artificially thin frame by smoking. Just a few pounds would help.

Lastly, we'll need a slogan to solidify our movement to become an expanding region. With a little amending, that antiwar slogan from '60s works nicely:

Bulk up. Chow down. And pig out. ILLUSTRATION: Drawing

JOHN EARLE/The Virginian-Pilot

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