DATE: Monday, May 5, 1997                   TAG: 9705030079

SECTION: DAILY BREAK             PAGE: E3   EDITION: FINAL 

SOURCE: BY DR. HAP LeCRONE, COX NEWS SERVICE 

                                            LENGTH:   61 lines

PEOPLE PLEASERS THEY HAVE IRRATIONAL IDEAS AND CAN BE TOO FORGIVING

O NE OF THE greatest impediments to self-esteem is the exaggerated need to please other people.

Healthy relationships require consideration of the feelings of others, a compassionate desire to help those less fortunate and a realistic desire to be perceived as attractive and have friends.

But people pleasers have many irrational ideas and difficulty forming healthy relationships.

Often, people pleasers:

Are hypersensitive to the feelings of others with a frequent belief that it must somehow be their fault if others are unhappy.

Have a strong need for reassurance that they are doing the right thing and not offending anyone.

Have problems making decisions because they fear they will offend someone. Consequently, they are frequently perceived by others as being tentative, hesitant and unsure of themselves.

Suffer from disproportionate feelings of guilt and despair when faced with situations in which their actions have left someone displeased.

Want to please others so much, they divert attention from themselves and neglect their own emotional needs. Or, they may be perceived as clinging and suffocating.

This strong desire to be liked and to please makes their appraisal of the behavior of others unrealistic and too forgiving. They assume that any unsuccessful outcome is their fault, never the fault of another's shortcomings or misdeeds.

People pleasers often have difficulty accepting compliments.

It is, however, possible for people pleasers to change.

The problem usually is rooted in childhood, when attempts to please parents or caregivers may have been rebuffed regularly.

The child's constant search and struggle for affirmation may have reinforced the belief that a more diligent and dedicated effort was needed to obtain love and acceptance.

If you are a people pleaser, here are some positive belief statements that may help:

``My feelings of self-worth must come from inside and cannot be dependent upon self-serving views of the world around me.''

The apparent displeasure perceived in other people is often the result of some difficulty they are having that is unrelated to you. Recognize that it is not your responsibility to fix it, change them or ensure their happiness.

If all else fails, consider the philosophy of my father, who used to say, ``When I decide I'm going to try to please everybody, I will also apply for a job reorganizing the universe.''

Remember, you can please a few people some of the time, a lot of people a little bit of the time, and everyone none of the time. MEMO: Dr. Hap LeCrone is a clinical psychologist in Waco, Texas. ILLUSTRATION: Staff illustraion by JANET SHAUGHNESSY/The

Virginian-Pilot

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