DATE: Saturday, May 10, 1997                TAG: 9705090068

SECTION: DAILY BREAK             PAGE: E1   EDITION: FINAL 

TYPE: Column 

SOURCE: Larry Maddry 

                                            LENGTH:   84 lines

"CROWN JEWELS" LOSE LUSTER WHEN THEY ARE JUST IMITATIONS

I DON'T MIND telling you that the British Crown Jewels tend to lose something when the diamonds, rubies and emeralds are imitations.

Which is not to say that what is billed as the British Crown Jewels Exhibit at Military Circle Mall through Sunday is without interest.

It's just amazing what some people can do with zircons. And the kind of stones used to ornament Evel Knievel's jacket when he motorcycled over a canyon.

And, as a practical matter, who knows when you or I might be crowned king or queen of England?

Or maybe receive a royal appointment as keeper of the ampulla and anointing spoon?

Once you've seen this exhibit, with more than 40 replica items from the British monarchy, you will know exactly the kind of headgear to wear whether you - as king or queen - open Parliament or a new car wash.

It all seems to be there. The St. Edward's Crown, the Imperial State Crown, and the gem-encrusted hilt and scabbard of the Jeweled State Sword.

But the exhibit definitely loses something in translation. I mean it's like looking at the bones of St. Peter as duplicated by Col. Sanders. But, as any fool knows, you can't box up 400 years of British history as represented by the priceless ensigns of royalty and ship them to every shopping mall in the United States.

No siree. To see real diamonds worth zillions like these, you would have to go to the Tower of London, where the real British Crown Jewels are housed. Or maybe spend an afternoon in Pat Robertson's vault.

History buffs will be fascinated by the St. Edward's Crown, because it was the model for the crown winners wore on the radio and television program ``Queen for a Day''!

Actually, the St. Edward's Crown is my personal favorite. A big booger freighted with jewels - some as big as Nikon lenses - it is used only at coronations. That's because the crown weighs more than an unabridged Webster's dictionary. Photos of Queen Elizabeth wearing the St. Edward's Crown show her with the swirly eyes of a person who has been mugged.

Of course, her expression might have been caused by the boring nature of the coronation itself. But more likely it was the weight of the crown, said to be heavier than a cannon ball or the complete works of John Milton.

Henry VII introduced the custom of wearing the Cap of Estate beneath the St. Edward's. The Cap of Estate was made of purple velvet with an edging of white fur from minivers, a kind of ermine. This helped relieve the pressure on the brain that often caused monarchs to black out at the moment of coronation.

Later, two tiny bells, which jingled from opposite sides of a cross atop the crown, were added to keep the king or queen awake.

Speaking as one who has traced his ancestry - with the assistance of penal records - to England, one wonders if political incorrectness did not have its origins there.

Minivers of the type used for the Cap of Estate have been, sadly enough, hunted to near extinction in much of Britain. And while strolling through the exhibit, you might want to take a gander at the Sovereign's Orb - a replica of the orb of gold capped with a cross that symbolized the dominion of the Christian religion over the world.

Hoo-boy.

This exhibit seems peculiarly out of place here in the colonies, bearing in mind Thomas Paine's observation that the best the crowned heads of Europe could do was trace their ancestry to a successful warrior - a man with a club in his hands.

But the least Anglophile among us can surely take a perverse pride in the unspeakable arrogance, plunder and successful oppression of weaker classes and countries the exhibit represents.

As an attraction, it certainly lacks the verve and panache of, say, Hitler's car, which drew thousands when on display here years ago. But it is free (in the mall's food court). On the whole, it's more interesting than a Suffolk worm or cricket ranch and, to my mind, ranks right up there with one of the better Florida snake farms.

Before passing this one by, ask yourself: How long has it been since I've had the pleasure of seeing a genuine simulated 13th century ampulla and anointing spoon? ILLUSTRATION: The British Crown Jewels Exhibit is free in the food

court at Military Circle Mall in Norfolk.

PITKIN GUIDE

The Crown Jewels Exhibit includes the St. Edward's Crown, left, and

the anointing spoon and ampulla, which holds holy oil for anointing

the soverign.

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