DATE: Saturday, June 28, 1997               TAG: 9706270079

SECTION: DAILY BREAK             PAGE: E3   EDITION: FINAL 

COLUMN: Issues of Faith 

SOURCE: Betsy Wright

                                            LENGTH:   80 lines

LEARN 5 STEPS TO FORGIVENESS TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE

SOME LETTERS really pack a punch.

``Dear Ms. Wright:

`` . . . I am guilty of adultery, and the guilt of this sin has truly affected my life! . . . I have lost God. I feel that neither God nor Jesus cares about me anymore. I am estranged from my church and I have disappointed, crushed and disillusioned my family. My spouse knows of this single affair and I've confessed to my priest, but I am still empty and lonely. . . . Where does an adulterous sinner go from here? How can I put my life back together. I pray, but I don't believe God or Jesus listens to me anymore, or cares about me. I am nearly at my wits' end. Please help me!''

The letter was signed, ``A Faithful Reader Who's Lost God.''

This is a person in pain. This is a person who needs nuts-and-bolts solutions, not platitudes. To help this reader, I turned to an expert in forgiveness, Dr. Everett L. Worthington Jr., professor of psychology at Virginia Commonwealth University in Richmond. Worthington has studied the value of forgiveness for the past seven years under a John Templeton Foundation research grant. He has written hundreds of articles on marriage, family and counseling and is the author of nine books. He is the co-author of last month's InterVarsity Press Book of the Month selection, ``To Forgive Is Human: How to Put Your Past in the Past.''

Worthington said that in teaching people to forgive others, he uses a pyramid model of five steps. The same five steps, he said, can be turned inward by someone trying to forgive one's self.

(Columnist's Note: Some folks might think such exercises are silly. I don't. Just as physical exercises help heal the human body, mental exercises like the ones below can help heal the human soul.)

Here are Dr. Worthington's five steps to forgiveness. I think it helps to actually write down your answers.

Step one: Remember the hurt. What did I do? Who did I hurt? What are all the ramifications of my actions?

Step two: Empathize with yourself. Why did I do this thing? What was going on in my life that made me do this? What is it about my past that enabled me to do this thing?

Step three: Seek humility. Admit you're human and remind yourself that all humans are capable of inflicting hurt. Recall other times in your life that you have received forgiveness and granted forgiveness. Remember how you felt in each circumstance. Focus on the gratitude you felt during those times. Then, ask yourself: ``If I can forgive others, can I also do a kind act for myself and forgive myself?''

Step four: Make a commitment to forgive yourself. Once you've agreed to accept your own forgiveness, tell someone about it. Tell your spouse, a friend, your clergy person or tell God. Telling another equals a commitment.

Step five: Maintain the forgiveness. Realize that complete healing takes a long time and that often old wounds are reopened during that time. When this happens - when your guilt re-emerges - don't discount that you've already been forgiven. Deal with the new hurt.

For example: A wife who cheated has forgiven herself and been forgiven by her husband. Months later, he finds an old photo of the wife and her lover. The wife must deal with this new hurt: apologize, empathize, ask for forgiveness from her spouse and also forgive herself for causing this new pain. She must seek forgiveness for the new hurt, without discounting that she's already been forgiven for the old hurt.

Dr. Worthington said his research has shown that forgiveness - of one's self or of another - often takes a long time.

``Healing,'' he said, ``happens in layers.''

There's little I can add here, except that I, too, have been through times when I felt God was far away. Two things helped: staying within a community of faith and prayer. Prayer was the toughest. Often I have made myself pray, thinking all the while that ``no one is listening.'' Eventually, thank God, I began to feel someone was indeed there.

Here, dear ``Faithful Reader,'' is a prayer for you. Clip it out and say it out loud several times a day. At night, kneel alongside your bed and imagine your head is resting in the lap of God. Imagine God is stroking your head and saying to you, ``You're my child. I love you. I forgive you.''

Then, once more, pray this prayer, from Marianne Williamson's book, ``Illuminata: A Return to Prayer.''

``Dear God: Remove from me my darkness. Reveal to me your light, which you share with me and have placed within me. May I shine forth as your beloved child. May your spirit cleanse my heart and mind. Forgive, Lord. Please set me free. I come to you. Please come to me. Amen.''

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