
DATE: Sunday, June 29, 1997                 TAG: 9706270190

SECTION: COMMENTARY              PAGE: J1   EDITION: FINAL 

TYPE: Opinion

SOURCE: DAVE ADDIS

                                            LENGTH:  274 lines

WELCOME TO DILBERTIZATION 101: WHOOP-DE-DO TITLES AND MISSIONS FOG THE TRUE ROLE OF GOVERNMENT

At left are two charts.

The top one is an official document from a recent Virginia Beach City Council presentation. It shows how everything in life is interconnected, which leads, mysteriously, to something called ``shared outcomes.'' (We presume that ``shared outcomes'' are thought to be good, although ``poison ivy'' fits that description as well, if two people have been playing in it.)

The chart, called a ``communication/interrelationships continuum'' (whew!) shows how our community leaders see the task of government.

Beneath it is a second chart. It shows how those of us who are paying the freight want our leaders to see the task of government.

Several other charts were featured at the council briefing, each with merry arrows flying willy and non, connecting citizens and government in ways that are barely conceivable and quite possibly illegal. The charts and a multimedia presentation (formerly known as ``slides'') were intended to launch City Council into a ``virtuous spiral,'' which was described as the opposite of a ``vicious cycle.'' (Which, as everybody knows, is built by Harley-Davidson.)

Welcome to Dilbertization 101, the comic-strip consultancy scam that every free-market enterprise from IBM to the corner mini-mart has bought into over the past decade.

It's surprising this movement has taken so long to wend its way up to city government. Then again, maybe it isn't. The people who sell this scrapple always go after private industry first because, as the bank robber Willie Sutton once said, ``That's where the money is.''

The top chart looks familiar because the last time I saw it the word ``newspaper'' appeared in exactly the same place where the word ``government'' now appears. (The consultants keep their master drawings locked in a safe. The original charts are done in pencil so they can erase the word ``newspaper'' and insert the word ``government.'' Next will be ``Navy'' or ``K-Mart'' or whomever else they can suck a fee out of.)

A couple of years ago, these charts swept the newsroom like yellow fever. Every earnest and capable mid-level manager suddenly owned a collapsible chromium pointer. They would call meetings, make attendance mandatory, and spend hours using their pointers to trace little arrows across big charts.

The meetings begat further meetings, which spawned a whole new language. Dedicated journalists suddenly began to use the word ``dialogue'' as a verb. The guy who had been night-cops reporter suddenly was the ``Authority-Interrelationship Specialist/Evening Hours.'' The photo editor became the ``Facilitator for Chemically-Imprinted Imagery.'' Or something like that.

Soon, editors forgot how to spell. Everybody was always in a meeting, watching a collapsible chromium pointer. Instead of a headline that said ``Axe Murderer Stalks Norfolk Neighborhoods,'' you were likely to be greeted with a banner that read: ``As Dialogue Evolves, a Community's Pulse Quickens.''

Though it took awhile, the fever eventually broke.

As a taxpayer, I do not want to see city government go down this road. Too much is at stake. But the signs are there, and they are not pretty. An able executive who for years was known as ``Planning Director'' now staggers under the weight of the title, ``Economic Vitality Strategic Issue Team Leader.'' Really. Eisenhower managed D-Day with less title than that.

And the briefing offered City Council members this nugget of wisdom: Before you blaze a trail or start a journey, its best to know where you want to go. Most any 3-year-old astride his first trike has that one figured out.

I don't want to kick-start anybody's vicious cycle here, but we oughta cut this out before somebody gets hurt. Otherwise, the next time there's a four-alarm blaze, the fire department might feel compelled to host a colloquium on the shared values of heat and light instead of simply pointing their hoses and turning on the water. MEMO: Dave Addis is the editor of Commentary. Reach him at 446-2726, or

addis(AT)worldnet.att.net.

At left are two charts.

The top one is an official document from a recent Virginia Beach City

Council presentation. It shows how everything in life is interconnected,

which leads, mysteriously, to something called ``shared outcomes.'' (We

presume that ``shared outcomes'' are thought to be good, although

``poison ivy'' fits that description as well, if two people have been

playing in it.)

The chart, called a ``communication/interrelationships continuum''

(whew!) shows how our community leaders see the task of government.

Beneath it is a second chart. It shows how those of us who are paying

the freight want our leaders to see the task of government.

Several other charts were featured at the council briefing, each with

merry arrows flying willy and non, connecting citizens and government in

ways that are barely conceivable and quite possibly illegal. The charts

and a multimedia presentation (formerly known as ``slides'') were

intended to launch City Council into a ``virtuous spiral,'' which was

described as the opposite of a ``vicious cycle.'' (Which, as everybody

knows, is built by Harley-Davidson.)

Welcome to Dilbertization 101, the comic-strip consultancy scam that

every free-market enterprise from IBM to the corner mini-mart has bought

into over the past decade.

It's surprising this movement has taken so long to wend its way up to

city government. Then again, maybe it isn't. The people who sell this

scrapple always go after private industry first because, as the bank

robber Willie Sutton once said, ``That's where the money is.''

The top chart looks familiar because the last time I saw it the word

``newspaper'' appeared in exactly the same place where the word

``government'' now appears. (The consultants keep their master drawings

locked in a safe. The original charts are done in pencil so they can

erase the word ``newspaper'' and insert the word ``government.'' Next

will be ``Navy'' or ``K-Mart'' or whomever else they can suck a fee out

of.)

A couple of years ago, these charts swept the newsroom like yellow

fever. Every earnest and capable mid-level manager suddenly owned a

collapsible chromium pointer. They would call meetings, make attendance

mandatory, and spend hours using their pointers to trace little arrows

across big charts.

The meetings begat further meetings, which spawned a whole new

language. Dedicated journalists suddenly began to use the word

``dialogue'' as a verb. The guy who had been night-cops reporter

suddenly was the ``Authority-Interrelationship Specialist/Evening

Hours.'' The photo editor became the ``Facilitator for

Chemically-Imprinted Imagery.'' Or something like that.

Soon, editors forgot how to spell. Everybody was always in a meeting,

watching a collapsible chromium pointer. Instead of a headline that said

``Axe Murderer Stalks Norfolk Neighborhoods,'' you were likely to be

greeted with a banner that read: ``As Dialogue Evolves, a Community's

Pulse Quickens.''

Though it took awhile, the fever eventually broke.

As a taxpayer, I do not want to see city government go down this

road. Too much is at stake. But the signs are there, and they are not

pretty. An able executive who for years was known as ``Planning

Director'' now staggers under the weight of the title, ``Economic

Vitality Strategic Issue Team Leader.'' Really. Eisenhower managed D-Day

with less title than that.

And the briefing offered City Council members this nugget of wisdom:

Before you blaze a trail or start a journey, its best to know where you

want to go. Most any 3-year-old astride his first trike has that one

figured out.

I don't want to kick-start anybody's vicious cycle here, but we

oughta cut this out before somebody gets hurt. Otherwise, the next time

there's a four-alarm blaze, the fire department might feel compelled to

host a colloquium on the shared values of heat and light instead of

simply pointing their hoses and turning on the water.

Dave Addis is the editor of Commentary. Reach him at 446-2726, or