DATE: Sunday, July 6, 1997                  TAG: 9707020178

SECTION: COMMENTARY              PAGE: J1   EDITION: FINAL 

TYPE: Opinion

SOURCE: DAVE ADDIS

                                            LENGTH:   67 lines

NOW THAT I'VE GOT YOUR EAR... WHEN IT COMES TO CLARITY, YOU CAN'T BEAT A GOOD BITE

NORFOLK - At a two-city meeting Friday night aimed at ironing out Norfolk's differences with Virginia Beach over water rights, Beach Mayor Meyera E. Oberndorf began to read a list of conditions Norfolk must meet when, quite unexpectedly, Norfolk Mayor Paul D. Fraim leaned over and bit off a chunk of her left ear.

With the Beach mayor bleeding profusely, the meeting was suspended for four minutes while parliamentarians researched Robert's Rules of Order and Norfolk Councilman Mason C. Andrews, a physician, administered first aid.

Finding no guidance in Robert's, the meeting was reconvened. Staggered, but still game, Oberndorf reached Point 3 on her list of conditions when Fraim leaned over yet again and took a nip out of her right ear.

The meeting broke down in chaos at that point, with Norfolk Vice-Mayor Herbert Collins accusing Beach Councilman Lynwood O. Branch III of having provoked the incident with an intentional head-butt during the invocation.

Lord A'mighty, what I wouldn't have given to write a story like that when I was a pavement-pounding newsie. What with all the spitting, kneecap-smacking, photographer-kicking - and, now, ear-gnashing - going on out there, the guys down on the sports desk are the last people in journalism who are having any real fun.

Sure, sure, anybody with a sense of dignity abhors what Iron Mike Tyson did to Evander Holyfield's ears last Saturday night. Vegetarians, especially, get upset when a minor dispute devolves into a frenzy of public cannibalism. Sends a bad message, don'tcha know - even if he did spit it out.

Evil as it was, though, you have to admit there was a certain clarity to what Tyson did. No weasel-words, no maybes, no split-decisions - he just chewed off the man's ear and went home. End of story.

In the real world, when the heavy-duty panjandrums of government and industry climb into the ring for a championship knuckle-buster, they do it in private. They squat behind closed doors under some reed-thin legal pretext that defeats the public's right to know, then they emerge hours later with a ``joint statement'' that usually reads something like this:

``We had a frank and fruitful discussion of the issues, and we look forward to further frank and fruitful discussions of the issues before we reach a fruitful settlement on the further issues of franking.''

From that, we are expected to explain to you, the public, what the blazes is going on. Pardon us if we sometimes sound confused.

You can see why a moment of clarity from the teeth of Mike Tyson might seem like a breath of fresh air to some of us.

A moment of clarity was all I was seeking last week when I wrote, rather testily, that the Virginia Beach city government might be leaning too heavily on gimmicky flow charts and management-consultant mumbo-jumbo in carrying out the straightforward task of running the Jewel by the Sea.

Tuesday, they counterattacked. If I would please attend a private briefing, a city voice said over the phone, the community leaders are certain that I would understand the Zen-beauty of the charts and graphs that are mapping their future-quest for civic peace and tightly-cropped fairways in Virginia Beach. (Unspoken message: And maybe you'll quit making us the butt of your juvenile jokes.)

Hey, I'm game. But in the interest of clarity, let me say this: If I hear somebody at City Hall use a phrase like ``maximization of implementation modes of equalizing the synergy of commonalities in the dichotomous operationalization paradigm,'' somebody's gonna wind searching the linoleum for pieces of his ear.

But not to worry, guys. I've had all my shots.

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