DATE: Friday, July 18, 1997                 TAG: 9707180069

SECTION: DAILY BREAK             PAGE: E1   EDITION: FINAL 

TYPE: Column 

SOURCE: Jennifer Dziura 

                                            LENGTH:   76 lines

WHAN FACING NET-LAG, TRY ORIGAMI

IN A MEDICALLY inexplicable fit of pastoral sentiment, poet Richard Brautigan wrote:

``I like to think (and

the sooner the better!)

of a cybernetic meadow

where mammals and computers

live together in mutually

programming harmony

like pure water

touching clear sky.''

Of course, Richard Brautigan committed suicide long before the existence of World Wide Web pages and thus never had to sit vacantly before his computer while waiting for one to load.

Those of us still foolishly metabolizing are not so lucky. For all of you who suffer from net-lag, here is your columnist-to-the-rescue list of 18 things to do while waiting for web pages to appear.

Count how many seconds the page takes to load. Try to think in Roman numerals.

Origami. If you are frequently online, work up to intricate paper sculptures of the entire Japanese mainland, complete with tiny skyscrapers protruding from Tokyo.

Read vapid books that come in little snippets. Appropriate titles include anything beginning ``50 Ways to. . . '' or ending ``. . . Little Instruction Book.''

Check for split ends. If none, create with sharp knife, then remove.

If you are right-handed, learn to write left-handed. This should be especially convenient, because your mouse probably will be taking up space on the right side of your keyboard, leaving plenty of room on the left for a note pad full of awkward scribbles. Remark how much ``I am writing left-handed'' looks like ``I ain vrillig lusl nando.''

If you are left-handed, write me a nasty letter for egregiously neglecting you in the above paragraph.

Stare at your monitor until loading is finished. Sue the webmaster for causing myopia and cancer.

Figure out how much time you are wasting and compare to how much it would have cost you to get a faster modem. Discover your time is worth 7 cents an hour.

Remove lint from your keyboard with medical tweezers. If the wait is especially long, sterilize the keyboard. Wear scrubs.

Set up marbles game. Use mouse ball as shooter.

Make a list of all the objects in your room or office. Write their names on small labels. Label everything. This is in case you are in a freak accident that obliterates the part of your brain used to recognize objects.

Find small child. Rub head against monitor. Get static in hair. Taunt.

Adjust position of monitor until you can see your reflection. Pluck eyebrows.

Plan fire escape route in case light glinting off monitor chances to hit something flammable. Leave flammable items around to make the wait more exciting.

Write me a nasty letter about how fire safety is not a joke.

Find large basket of straw and trying spinning it into gold. Imagine Rumpelstiltskin will take your first-born child if you fail.

Raid child's toys. Stick Colorforms on monitor. Remark how little time the images took to load.

Read ``Waiting for Godot.'' Admit the futility of your actions. If you are a hacker, rename offending web page ``Godot.''

And since you're online anyway, you may as well visit my spiffy newish website at the address http://www.dartmouth.edu/. Post a response on the bulletin board or contribute a sentence to a reader-written column. In fact, it's a veritable fun park, only sitting down, and safe for pregnant women.

The page shouldn't take long to load. Certainly less time than it took you to read this column, anyway. MEMO: Jennifer Dziura is a Dartmouth College sophomore and a graduate of

Cox High School in Virginia Beach. The technologically obstinate can

reach her at 4565 Virginia Beach Blvd., Virginia Beach, VA 23462.

Send Suggestions or Comments to webmaster@scholar.lib.vt.edu