DATE: Friday, July 25, 1997                 TAG: 9707250079

SECTION: DAILY BREAK             PAGE: E15  EDITION: FINAL 

SOURCE: SUMMER SHTAY, HIGH SCHOOL CORRESPONDENT 

                                            LENGTH:   53 lines

WHEN YOUR PARENT DIES, COPING CAN BE TOUGH

THEY UNPLUGGED the life support machines on Tuesday, March 5, 1996. It's hard to believe that more than a year already has gone by. I often think about what I would do differently if he were still alive. My father died when I was just 14.

I am not alone. Many teen-agers lose their fathers. It's difficult to cope with losing one of the closest males in your life while you're still growing and learning.

A friend of mine still can't talk about the death of her father. Michelle (not her real name) has been going through a tough time. Her father recently died of a drug overdose. Michelle's mom was the one who found him. By the time they got him to the hospital he was already brain dead.

The last words she said to her father were, ``I hate you,'' and she feels guilty. Michelle believes it is her fault that her father died.

That guilt led Michelle to drop out of school, empty her mother's bank account and steal her mother's car. She spent time in jail but is now staying with a variety of friends.

Living through puberty is hard enough, but when you add the burden of losing a loved one, it can make for anxious, confusing teen years.

Just ask Kevin Futrell, 18, of Windsor, N.C. Kevin lost his father to pneumonia two years ago. Kevin's father, 48 at the time, died in a hospital when Kevin was only 16.

``I was hurt . . . and I felt like I just lost my best friend,'' said Kevin. ``When the hospital lady told me he died, all I could do was cry.''

Tragedy happens every day. Dr. Richard Bing, a psychologist in Edenton, N.C., said there are many factors that determine how a teen-ager will react to the death of a parent.

``Teen-agers who lose their fathers are more vulnerable to depression later on in life,'' Bing said. ``Adolescents are going through a stage where they are trying to develop a self-image and their identity. They're trying to form a consistent and satisfying sense of who they are. Absence of a father figure creates a psychological problem that can cause chronic depression.''

There are five stages of grief: shock and denial, anger, bargaining, depression and, finally, acceptance. Once they get to the last step and learn about the death and accept it, they've finally taken the first step in starting over, Bing said.

What can be done to help grieving teen-agers? Bing suggests therapy. There are several techniques that can help, depending on how the loss affects the individual, but talking about the loss is a big part of any treatment.

``It's proven that communication is necessary for the healing stage,'' Bing said. ``If there's no communication, incorrect assumptions about motives of others are made. Youths need to talk about their problems.'' MEMO: Summer Shtay is a student at John A. Holmes High School in

Edenton, N.C.

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