DATE: Sunday, August 24, 1997               TAG: 9708200050

SECTION: COMMENTARY              PAGE: J1   EDITION: FINAL 

TYPE: Opinion

SOURCE: DAVE ADDIS

                                            LENGTH:   66 lines

NO WARS TO FIGHT, THE ECONOMY SOARS, SO FEDS HAVE TIME FOR TWO-BIT CHORES

The trouble with a booming economy and no wars to fight is that the government has time to work on solutions to problems that don't exist.

One of those problems is what sort of design should be on the back of the 25-cent piece. George Washington, in left profile, is on the front. On the reverse is an eagle with its wings spread. It is a great coin. It has a look that says, ``America.''

Sometime soon, it might say ``Nebraska.'' Or ``Rhode Island.''

Next month, Congress will decide whether the Treasury Department should change the design on the back of the quarter. The plan is for each state to offer a design that shows something of its majesty. Perhaps the Manhattan skyline for New York, or the Golden Gate Bridge for California.

Thus, we will have 50 different quarters, each with a unique ``tail.''

This project is a sad extension of the sort of thinking that gave every state in the union two dozen or so artsy license plates. Thus, a cop chasing a stolen car has 1,200 pictures of mountains, seashores, birds, goats and college fraternity insignias to sort through before he can figure out where the knucklehead he's chasing is from.

``Patrol 1 to dispatch, we're in pursuit of a gray 1994 Honda Civic, license number G78-42L.''

``Roger, Patrol 1. Uh...is that a Virginia plate?''

``Beats me, dispatch. It has crabs on it. Are we a crab state?''

``Roger that, Patrol 1...if it's a blue crab, it's ours. But if it's a stone crab, it's Florida. Now a snow crab, that's...

``What am I, Jacques freakin' Cousteau out here? I'm tryin' to...ah, never mind, we lost 'im.''

A new tail on the quarter, admittedly, won't cause that sort of life-or-death confusion. (It is conceivable, though, that if Ohio were to honor Gen. William Tecumseh Sherman on the back of its quarter, the coin would be refused in Georgia. In fact, the spender might find it inserted into any unprotected portion of his anatomy.)

Like the license-plate scheme, the object here is to make a profit, as it costs far less to mint a quarter than its face value. A government report estimated a profit of up to $5.1 billion, as the new coins would become instant ``collectibles.'' It said 98 million people likely would want to collect a full set.

Exactly why something that is owned by 98 million people is considered a ``collectible'' cannot be explained. I suppose it's for the same reason that people will raid their kids' college fund to round out their set of commemorative Elvis dinner plates. Call it the ``Barbie Syndrome.''

The fun part, though, will be watching Virginia's honorables attempt to settle on a single image that represents the Old Dominion. (My personal choice would be a state trooper waving a radar gun.)

Jefferson and Monticello already are on the nickel. Any effort to use the U.Va. Rotunda would be blocked by the Tech caucus in the legislature. As our local lawmakers have a lot of clout in Richmond, we might have the inside track here. Some early design favorites, I'm told, include:

A sketch of the Chesapeake Bay Bridge-Tunnel, with the Latin inscription Decem dollari, gratias agere. (Ten dollars, thank you.)

An outline of Mount Trashmore, with the inscription. Ab scruta, campareo Reeboki et Nikeum. (Where once was trash, now are joggers.)

A crumpled road map with the inscription, Ubi en Hades Hampton Roadi urbanus est? (Where the heck is Hampton Roads?)

My Latin is a little rusty, so please don't call to correct my grammar. I already have one too many two-bit problems to worry about. MEMO: Dave Addis is the editor of Commentary. Reach him at 446-2726,

or addis(AT)worldnet.att.net.

Send Suggestions or Comments to webmaster@scholar.lib.vt.edu