DATE: Wednesday, September 10, 1997         TAG: 9709100048

SECTION: DAILY BREAK             PAGE: E15  EDITION: FINAL 

TYPE: Column 

SOURCE: Larry Maddry 

                                            LENGTH:   79 lines

TABLOID READERS ARE PEOPLE, TOO, AND DON'T DESERVE TO BE BASHED

PEOPLE WHO read tabloids do have feelings, you know.

So while we fume and rant at the paparazzi, we should remember something.

We should remember there are a lot of lonely, hard-working people out there depending on tabloids for their news and information whose only fault is that they are CRAZIER than a bull moose in a beauty parlor.

Last week I learned that many supermarket chains have considered removing the tabloids from the check-out counters where they are usually sold and moving them elsewhere.

Many shoppers resent the sight of them because of what happened to Princess Di. To me that's very unfair.

Unfair because the average reader of tabloids - and I read them myself - could not find their behind with a grappling hook.

And certainly could not find the tabloids if they are relocated, say, to the fresh fruit and vegetables sections.

As a regular tabloid reader, I have observed that people who buy them rarely, if ever, spend much time on standard items in the food chain.

And we buy only a few items while in the market.

A typical tabloid reader's cart might contain canned macadamia nuts, a jar of peanut butter, a bottle of catsup, cottage cheese and six bags of cat litter.

I believe those purchases are directly linked to articles appearing in the tabs.

For instance, many of the readers don't have cats but have read stories in their publication of choice: CAT LITTER PREVENTS LIVER DISEASE, BRITISH SCIENTIST SAYS! RECOMMENDS EATING THREE CUPS A DAY!!

I get some of my health information this way. Speaking as a person who does not take his liver protection lightly, I can tell you it is done at the risk of destroying a perfectly good electric toothbrush and cracking the bathroom mirror with flying litter particles.

Dental problems, incidentally, are a recurring theme in the tabloids. I recall a striking photo of a child - published in The Globe, The Star or wherever - that surely got the attention of the American Dental Association.

The infant was shown with mouth wide open, its gums bristling with what appeared to be stalactites and stalagmites, those icicle-shaped deposits found in caves.

Above the photo was the headline: BOY BORN WITH CROCODILE TEETH FLOSSES WITH ROPE! I think it fair to mention there were no paparazzi chasing the boy. He appears to have opened his mouth voluntarily for the photographer.

So let us not be too quick to condemn everything the tabloids do.

Tabloid readers are lonely people. Statistics show that tab readers make fewer purchases while in supermarkets but visit them more frequently than others.

That's because we like the excitement of the buzzing neon lights. And the free samples of cheese dice in pill cups. And the sound of a human voice piped over loudspeakers telling us that for ``a limited time only'' shoppers can save 10 cents on name-brand detergent.

Many of us live alone in modest surroundings, often reading our tabloids by the light of a single bulb on a drop cord in the company of a cat or a molting bird in a cage.

For many years now, I have been sharing my enjoyment of the tabloids with Mabel, my cocker spaniel. Mabel prefers tabloids to The Virginian-Pilot, The New York Times or the European edition of The Herald-Tribune.

I read the stories aloud to her, and she eagerly awaits the readings - particularly if the story is about Elvis.

Mabel is nuts about Elvis and would rather listen to stories about Elvis sightings on Mars or in Buddhist monasteries than chase squirrels - one of her passions.

She listens to the Elvis articles attentively, head cocked to the side, eyes gleaming with intense interest. Often when I've finished reading an Elvis story, she fixes me with her eyes, making a ``ruff . . . ruff'' sound deep in her throat.

It means she wants to hear it again. Not that she doesn't enjoy other stories too.

```Listen to this Mabel . . . it says here that a man in Australia chain-sawed his head from his neck but that doctors sewed it back and he's doing OK.''

She was particularly fond of that one.

So let us hear no more bashing of supermarket tabloids. Of course, they've gone to the dogs. And a good thing too!

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