DATE: Saturday, October 4, 1997             TAG: 9710030093

SECTION: DAILY BREAK             PAGE: E1   EDITION: FINAL 

TYPE: Column 

SOURCE: Larry Maddry 

                                            LENGTH:   78 lines

HOW NOW, BROWN COW? AMOOSING BOOK ANSWERS THAT QUESTION AND MORE

OH, I KNOW you have seen plenty of cows in your life and have played cow poker since you were 6 years old and think you are hot stuff in the cow department.

Well so did I. But we don't know nothin' . . . nothin' I tell you.

The country's biggest bovine know-it-all is author John Pukite - whose name would seem to make him an ideal candidate for authorship of ``The Reader's Guide to Throwing Up.''

Not so. He's the author of a highly informative but amoosing book: ``The Field Guide to Cows'' (published by Falcon Press Publishing Co., completely illustrated, more than 140 pages, for only $9.95).

Let's start with something really fundamental here so I can show you how cow dumb you - and I - are about cows.

Let's say we are driving through the American West playing cow poker. On your side of the car a field appears in which a creature with horns, a goatee, teats and a narrow waist is grazing in the distance. .

As the car speeds closer to the critter, you get a better look. It's a buffalo.

Can you count the buffalo as a cow when playing cow poker? Ta-dah . . . ta-dah . . . tah-da . . . tah-da . . . dum-te-dum-te-dum-dum-dum.

Time's up. You were wrong. Of course you can count the buffalo. It's a cow, too.

When it comes to cows, Pukite has certainly milked the subject for all it's worth. He gives complete descriptions of every cow breed, with drawings to help you spot a Galloway, Holstein, Limousin, Devon, Sussex or Gurnsey. Whatever.

(I just threw that Holstein in to see if you were awake. Actually - heh, heh - you'd be on a fool's errand attempting to spot a Holstein, because that black and white cow usually has spots over 50 percent of its body!)

OK, let's all pile into the car and start playing cow poker again. Just ahead you see a cow that is either brownish-black or dark red. But it is so small it looks like a large dog with horns.

What kind of cow is it? Actually, it isn't a cow but a large dog wearing horns as a Halloween costume. You have to subtract 5 points from your cow poker total for your error.

On the other hand, it is possible that you have really seen a Dexter - the smallest cow in the United States. Dexters rarely exceed three feet in height, according to ``A Field Guide to Cows.'' If undecided about the dog vs. cow question, you might want to try tossing a stick. Dexters almost never fetch.

OK, class, now we are going to do a little cow-related quiz. The question is: What is a thurl?:

a. The first name of a famous country-western singer.

b. The sound produced by a loose guitar string when plucked.

c. The third curl in a series of curlicues.

d. The section of a cow just above the tail head.

Those of you who answered ``d'' come sit at the head of the class. You have done so well that you can be the road guards when we march off on our Christmas Cow Count.

It's high time cows got counted and recognized at Christmas instead of a bunch of dumb birds. Were there any birds in the Bethlehem manger? Nope. But we know there were cows. Yet birders can't wait to go out and count birds on Christmas Day when they should be counting cows!

The Christmas Cow Count is conducted between Dec. 15 and 30 each year. Although it is a Midwestern custom to dress cows up for Christmas, any cows wearing dresses, snow jumpers or hula skirts will be ineligible for the count.

And try to be extremely accurate when describing a cow observed on the Christmas Cow Count. Last year, one of the counters described a long-coated Zebu, Indo-Brazilian cow as ``out of sight!'' It was later proved to have 20/20 vision!

Did you know that a cow stands up and sits down about 14 times a day? Or that cows expel enough methane annually to propel the space shuttle to Mars? In it's modest way, ``A Field Guide to Cows'' is a gasser, too. ILLUSTRATION: Color Illustration

[Cover of the book]

FALCON PRESS

Interesting facts from ``A Field Guide to Cows'' by John Pukite.

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