DATE: Thursday, October 23, 1997            TAG: 9710220696

SECTION: LOCAL                   PAGE: B3   EDITION: FINAL 

COLUMN: THE HOME FRONT 

SOURCE: Jacey Eckhart

                                            LENGTH:   76 lines

STAY, GO OR COMMUTE, THE FAMILY MUST BE FIRST CHOICE

Brad skidded to a halt as he rounded the kitchen doorway. The situation did not look promising.

I lay prostrate across a pile of notebooks and bank statements. Clumps of hair pulled out at the roots littered the classified ad section of the Washington Post. An empty bag of Good & Plenty lay crumpled on the counter.

``So, what's the damage?'' Brad asked, warily.

I lifted my head slightly to look at him, groaned and slammed my forehead back onto the table.

``That good, huh?'' he said.

``We just can't afford to move again,'' I told him, shoving the papers away. ``We don't have a couple thousand bucks to throw away on another move!''

``Oh.''

``Besides, the cost of living up there is horrible. Our housing allowance will just about pay for a three-bedroom, one-and-a-half rat apartment.''

``Oh.''

He pulled the budget book over and scanned the page. ``We could cut back,'' he suggested.

``Cut back? Cut back! I thought we were already cutting back to pay off the last move!'

``Oh.''

Brad put down the budget and picked up my hand, rubbing the back of my thumb while thinking. ``I could always commute up there,'' he said.

``Right,'' I said, sulkily.

``No, really! You and the kids could stay here and I'll drive back and forth every day. What's 3 1/2 hours?''

I looked at him incredulously. Was this the same man who hates to drive 3 1/2 minutes to the grocery store?

``Or I could come home on weekends,'' he continued, warming to his topic. ``I could shower at the gym and sleep in the parking lot! I just wish the Red, Red Car wasn't a stick shift.''

I tried not to smile at my home-loving husband, but I couldn't help it. He squeezed my hand and headed for the fridge, putting the notion of geographic bachelorhood firmly on hold. But the idea kept bubbling inside Norfolk-loving me. Why couldn't he commute to Washington, D.C.? Other guys do it. What's the difference between going on deployment for six months and geographic bachelorhood?

Everything.

Brad deploys because it's part of his job - the part he spends months training for. When he misses birthdays, flat tires and chicken pox, we are disappointed, annoyed and - occasionally - infuriated. The children and I can accept these separations, because we know that Brad has no control over where the ship is. If he could airlift the ship home every time we needed him, he would.

If we chose to make Brad a geographic bachelor, though, it is an entirely different and much less acceptable separation. The length of time has nothing to do with it. If we chose commuting over moving, it would mean that we consciously put something ahead of family unity: a job, a house, a school. Money.

That isn't a message we want our children to get. We don't want them thinking that a mother and children are the family while the father is a lovely (but unnecessary) accessory.

We want our children to learn that marriage is about tussling over the covers and figuring out whose turn it is to read ``Construction Vehicles'' for the 39th time. Marriage is about making beef stew on rainy days and volunteering to take the dog out when it's 30 below. Marriage is about deciding whose ambitions come first and whose dreams must wait their turn.

In this age of divorce and fractured families, our job is to teach our children that blending two lives into one requires unending sacrifice, and that such sacrifice yields a healthy partnership and a happier family. We cannot teach them that if we choose to be apart.

Brad came back to the kitchen table with two iced teas, a calculator and determination in his eye. I put my head back on the table, knowing we weren't going to bed until we figured out a way to be happy with a 3-bedroom, one-and-a-half rat apartment in D.C.

In the end, I am certain we will chalk it up to the cost of living and be content. Because we know the cost of living apart is much too high.

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