DATE: Sunday, November 16, 1997             TAG: 9711120096

SECTION: COMMENTARY              PAGE: J1   EDITION: FINAL 

TYPE: Opinion

SOURCE: DAVE ADDIS

                                            LENGTH:   69 lines

CULTURAL SCENE PUZZLING CLUES MIGHT POINT TO DEVIOUS ATTACK ON OUR SANITY

It's seldom one calamitous event that leaves us with the chilling feeling that things are getting out of control. Usually it's a lot of little things, tiny smudges of evidence that Holmes would study under a magnifying glass and mutter, ``Hmmmm.''

In the end, he'd put the pieces together and the full puzzle would come into view. If he were alive today he'd turn to his sidekick and say, ``Watson, I've deduced that things really are getting out of control.''

Here are a few seemingly unrelated smudges from the cultural scene. Connect the dots if you dare:

From the New York Post comes word that several major department stores will not employ a Santa Claus this season.

Maybe the Jolly Old Elf was out of place at Saks or Bloomingdales, but it seems odd that Toys `R' Us is among the stores that will nix St. Nick.

At Toys, children will be encouraged to use a gift registry, much like a bride-to-be. They'll do this with a hand-held scanner, The Post said, with their wishes recorded on a computer.

Once upon a time, parents got a few weeks of relief in the holiday season by threatening, ``You'd better behave or I'll tell Santa to bring you a lump of coal.''

It's doubtful the same effect can be achieved by threatening, ``You'd better behave or I'll tell the marketing manager to zap your gift list off his hard drive.''

From Seattle comes news that four gas stations have installed 6-inch TV screens on their pumps, so customers will not be bored for the three or four minutes it takes to top off the tank. The TV comes on when you start the pump and does not go off until you're done filling. It cannot be disabled.

``It's great,'' said one customer as she tried it out. ``It helps pass the time.''

Somebody should have thought of this before. No longer will we have to miss a single moment of Jerry Springer interviewing ``Right-Wing Bulgarian Midgets and the Women Who Love Them.'' (Question: Do people who buy hi-test get to watch PBS?)

No word yet if folks quit pumping during commercials so that they can catch every possible moment of their program.

And what happens, we wonder, if a driver gets hooked on a soap opera?

In Des Moines, Iowa, the big event is the opening at a downtown mall of a club called ``Puffs,'' which caters exclusively to smokers. People can pay 50 cents to duck in for a quick smoke, or $1.25 for an all-day pass. Inside are pool tables, video games, fast food and other distractions. Sort of an Enchanted Kingdom for the emphesyma set.

``It's just too big a segment of the population to write off,'' said the mall's owner. Purveyors of health insurance seem inclined to disagree.

The story said a number of airports are planning similar refuges. Which begs the question: Why should those who suffer a hideous addiction (I know of whence I speak) be treated to a cushy club-like atmosphere, while those who do not are compelled to wait for their next flight on a hard bench out in the hall?

Wouldn't it seem fairer the other way around?

As I said at the top, I don't know if these events are connected or not, if there's some evil Moriarty pulling the strings from behind the curtain. If there is, let's hope Holmes gets him before we're all driven loonier than a fruit-bat. MEMO: Dave Addis is the editor of Commentary. Reach him at 446-2726, or

addis(AT)worldnet.att.net.

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